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Understanding Why You Can’t Find Your Self-Worth in Someone Else

Self-worth, self-esteem, a sense of self, etc. are all terms used to describe a feeling that is very hard to put a finger on. Some people call it confidence, others call it courage and many call it independence.
If you truly looked at it, what it all really boils down to is how much you love yourself. When growing up, it was common to judge yourself based on your grades, the number of friends you have, and so on.
As we get older, we still play the same ‘game’ in our mind. Only this time we compare wages, cars, houses and how good looking our partner or spouse is. We constantly measure our self-worth by comparing ourselves with someone else.
This is a HUGE mistake and it’s one of the reasons why so many people are dissatisfied, stressed out and never truly happy. Even when they progress, instead of being happy that they achieved a goal, after a short while they look at someone else who seems better off than them and they feel dissatisfied again.
This applies to relationships too. Men who are married for years suddenly feel old and crave the attention of a younger woman. They may cheat on their spouse or they may lose interest in life.
Their self-worth is tied to another human being or an idea of how life should be. Looking at ‘Casanovas’ who have numerous affairs makes them feel like a failure. Instead of appreciating their own life and partner, they crave for more.

If one gives in to these temptations, the consequences can be disastrous. Marriages can end in divorce. Finances can be sent into turmoil… and when one looks back on it all, they will feel hollow and realize that it was all for nothing. So many people look back in regret and have no idea why they did what they did.
They fail to realize that their self-worth was intertwined with external results, appearances and lofty goals. As long as your self-worth is linked to achievements and an impressive ‘image’, you will be on an emotional roller-coaster.
Life is full of ups and downs. What truly stands the test of time is knowing who you are despite your current position in life. There have been millionaires who have felt like they were at the top of the world, and all of a sudden, a financial crisis causes them to lose everything and they feel worthless.
Yet, they’re the same person. Your money and position in life do not determine your value. The man or lady who is a millionaire has the same amount of self-worth when they are broke and homeless. Who you are doesn’t change. Only circumstances have changed… and guess what?
You can always change them and make them better.
If you’re in a relationship and you’re looking to your partner to constantly assure you of your self-worth, this will be very stressful for them. Your “stores” will always get depleted and you’ll expect your partner to constantly replenish them make you feel good.
However, they have their own lives and needs too. They may need you to be supportive of them and motivate them too. So, how will you do that if your self-worth is running on empty and you’re depressed yourself?
Spend time deep in thought. Self-reflect often. Write down your achievements and goals. Appreciate how far you’ve come. Work on loving the person in the mirror who has weathered many storms and is still standing tall.
When you love yourself and respect yourself, you will feel better and be able to stay strong no matter what life throws at you. Your relationships will be better because you’ll stop expecting your partner to constantly like you. You will like yourself.
“Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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